Self Doubt

A few weeks back, I decided that it was time to think about running again. I’ve been off of running, and religiously doing my rehab, spending lots of time at physical therapy appointments, and generally trying to “be good” and not go back to running too soon. Approaching my fifth month of not running, I started to ask if I’d been good for long enough.

With a PT appointment on the books for Wednesday the 12th, I decided that barring an absolute prohibition due to imminent injury, I would start running again next week. Time to be bad, I thought, and run even if the therapist tells me not to.

Well, Wednesday’s appointment came, and I was given the greenlight to run again. Of course, by run I mean run/walk for 10 minutes, then 15, etc, for 6 weeks before thinking about running on its own.

But still, a green light.

What happened next caught me off guard.

I came home Wednesday evening and settled into a funk of massive proportions. I’d run/walked for 10 minutes, and aside from some critical words about my form, it all went well. Why so glum?

Well, now that I’m allowed to run, the universe of obstacles is settling onto my shoulders, ready to thwart any progress I’ve been dreaming about for months. I CAN run, but what if…

It hurts?

I’m bad at it?

I’m slow?

I’ve gained too much weight and can’t lose it?

I get injured again and have to start all over?

I realize that I need to cut this s--- out. Negative self-talk, my old nemesis, has no place in my plans. I need to listen to more Run Selfie Repeat (love that podcast), stick to my new plan, and be excited, not scared, that I can run again. That I get to run again.

The Long Road to Wellness

After Chicago, time off did not help me feel better. I slowly started back up, started running a few miles a few times a week, and it still didn't feel right. So, I finally went to an ortho. Stress fracture in my left tibia, likely dating to the Wrightsville Beach Half in March 2016. In a boot for a month, then physical therapy. MRI on my right hip showed no issues, so intensive work strengthening the stabilizing muscles was recommended.

Fast forward a little more than two months. I'm seeing the physical therapist every two to three weeks, where my progress is tested. My core is weak, my left ankle is weak, and I continue to have significant deficits in my stability on both sides. In between PT appointments, I see the athletic trainers once or twice a week to do my exercises plus specific extra work. And... I get to use the AlterG, which is just about the coolest thing ever!

My current routine is biking to/from work (3.5 miles a day), yoga once or twice a week, my half hour of PT exercises every day (for the most part), and one or two sessions a week with the trainer. I'm up to 20 minutes of 2 minutes at 5.5mph and 1 minute at 3.3mph, at 60% bodyweight. So, a mile and a half of running twice a week.

Part of me is incredibly frustrated that I am basically not working out. I have been watching what I eat and drink, and I've lost maybe a pound or two since the beginning of the year. I'm still at least ten pounds more than I should be, and I'm no closer to the running performance I know I have in me than I was four years ago when these persistent injuries started.

But...

I know now that I am where I am because I keep coming back to training without putting in the work to get all the way better, without fully addressing what made me stop training to begin with. I've spent the past four years bouncing back and forth between injury and training while not fully healed. I know that to get to where I want to be, to be in the shape I want and running the way I know I can, I need to spend the time strengthening, healing, and paying attention to what my body is telling me. However long it takes, I know I need to be committed to being well before I can commit to a return to running.

So, here I am. Almost 33, out of shape, but much healthier mentally than I have been in a while. I know what I need to do. I am eating right, keeping hydrated (thanks to the good folks at Nuun), and doing the work I need to do.

So let's go. I'm finally ready to make it happen.

Team Nuun!!!

I received the great news today that I am once again helping spread the #nuunlove by representing Nuun in my athletic endeavors. This time around, I was chosen to be part of Team Nuun, an acknowledgement of my commitment to sharing information about healthy hydration for several years. I look forward to representing Nuun as I get back into racing this year!